Last visits
Eight years ago, I moved overseas and I didn’t know how long I’d be gone. I don’t remember thinking much about what I was leaving behind. I wouldn’t say that I didn’t care, but that maybe I gave more thought to where I might be going instead of where I was coming from. Both my parents had similarly left home on an overseas adventure of unknown length and significance, and they had been younger than I, and that had seemed so normal.
I wouldn’t say the farewells feel so light this time.
Particularly, being home for my last visit - in the house I grew up in - is poignant.* But it is difficult to untangle the threads in this messy ball of thoughts and feelings.
There are quite a few threads that follow the possible catastrophes that might await my parents while I am so very far away. Or that await Nick or I. Or my siblings, friends. Somehow, everybody’s mortality seems so suddenly fragile.
There is the simple sadness of thinking that regular phone calls just won’t be so easy, that I’ll miss out on the in-jokes, the odd moments, the crappy days at work and the debriefs over coffee or wine.
Looking at old family photos and schoolbooks, there is the question of my identity. Even yet, do I know who I really am, what I really care about, and where I find easy contentment and satisfying challenges?
There is the trepidation I feel about returning from this trip, and the harsh confrontation of changes that come with years of being away - the ageing, the birthdays, weddings and life changes, the scattering of once-tight communities - rather than the softness of the gradual waves of change close by.
And there are other anxieties, buried where I can’t quite get at them, or don’t want to get at them.
It’s no use pretending they’re not there. I’m going to sit with my ball to pick and straighten out what I can for a little while and then go have some fun until I’m ready to return to this stubborn little project on another day.
*A home, it should be added, with a mirror in the bathroom that allows me to see all angles of my hair, i.e., all the long grey hairs that have been hiding out of sight … which is not helping.
