Wobbly riding on my Finnish bike
The truth is, it’s been a hard couple of weeks, these past two. Through some misunderstanding or miscommunication, we came to Finland with the understanding that I would qualify as a permanent resident with access to services here. But a couple of weeks ago, I was informed that I am considered a temporary resident and do not qualify for access to those services.
I don’t want to dwell on the why or the how, and I’m also aware that perhaps my expectation for access to benefits and services could be considered somewhat entitled. But however I should view it, whatever reserves of strength I should draw on, and despite the many things there are to be grateful for here, the reality is that I crumbled. I felt that all at once, that my safety net was taken away, that my chances to find employment were radically reduced, that my hopes for guidance through the sticky webs of bureaucratic systems were dashed, that my likelihood of learning the language was made an unlikelihood, and all were replaced with an overwhelming need to secure some form of income.
So I’ve spent the last couple of weeks trying to wade out of that emotional quagmire, with varying success.
I remember learning to ride a bike. Every time I wanted to ride, I had to have someone hold the bike steady behind me, and I would ride around happily. On one of those occasions, I was riding along comfortably in the knowledge that someone (I’m not sure but I think it was my Dad) was holding me steady, only to suddenly notice that Dad was actually standing on the other side of the yard and nobody was holding me steady! And even though the reality hadn’t changed - I was successfully riding a bike on my own - my knowledge that I didn’t have that support made me panic and suddenly it felt like I didn’t know how to steer, or stop and I charged around the yard until I fell off on a soft patch of grass.
I think I have been experiencing something similar to that moment right now in Finland. Perhaps I’m doing ok at riding this Finnish bike, but I’ve just discovered that I’m doing it all own my own, and that nobody’s holding my hand … but nor had they been all along. And after all, I do have language classes booked for next month. We’re living quite sustainably on Nick’s wage. I’ve called a number of government departments to get my questions answered. I have some potential income on the horizon. I have a number of little opening buds of friendship with locals and expats. Most amazingly of all, I’ve managed to open a bank account!
I don’t feel like I’m steady on these Finnish wheels yet, but I think I’m getting there. I think there will be a few more crashes along the way, but best of all, I have Nick here to help me dust myself off, patch up my bleeding knees and help me back up.
